Mr. Right is hard for me to be around

A working theory of bad hangs

Here’s something that absorbs a lot of my attention: Why does it feel so bad to hang out with some people?

I’m talking well-intentioned, unarmed people who smell OK. We aren’t arguing. It’s possible they think we are having a good time. But for me—and I make up as much as 50% of the interaction!—the hang feels itchy and bad. Worse than boring. Worse than being alone!

I think normal people are just like, “Aww too bad we don’t click!” and they keep it moving. (Actually, the most normal people probably think, “We click! It’s too bad I’m always busy when they want to hang out!”)

But in my heart of hearts, I’m like… “We don’t click. WHY DON’T WE CLICK?!?!?!!”

I have developed a working theory about the type of person I aggressively don’t click with. Most often, I meet this type on a Hinge date. Sometimes, they are a friend of a friend. Always, I wish they would change!

My anti-type: People who need to be factually right at the function

Most people would rather be right than wrong. That’s so normal. But people who NEED to be right — people who identify as a source of accurate factual information, and nothing less (or more?) — seem to me like they are living in Flatland. They are out at a bar, talking about measurable quantities and addresses! Literally, why?

I have no idea. I do know these people tend to congregate around certain experiences:

• Trivia (though no shade to trivia—I like it, too!)

• Games of skill and accuracy (where you win by being The Best a.k.a. right)

• Hobbies of skill, like knitting or coding or archery

• Making a ton of money (this is the “right” answer to capitalism)

• Reading and repeating news

• Traveling, and tracking the number of countries they’ve been to (bigger number = closer to accurate, all-encompassing knowledge of Earth?)

They also tend to flee certain experiences:

• The arts (creating and, to a lesser extent, consuming)

• Astrology/tarot

• Laughing unreservedly (jokes are often UNTRUE exaggerations, which is unsafe!)

• Anything where you produce information, like journalism (because then you learn that what’s “right” is often a bit socially constructed and uncertain)

My anti-type is just a small subset of all the people congregating around and fleeing from these experiences—but for me, they are an unpleasant, inexplicable little subset!

I would actually love to learn more from this type of person. What motivates them? What do they fear? What’s fun about telling me what year a movie was made?

These are tough questions, though. Answering would involve The Fact Brigade (as I sometimes call them) engaging with their own subjectivity, a.k.a. their least favorite thing. I can’t tell if that’s because there are no opinions and preferences inside of them—is it just Wikipeda in there?—or if they just refuse to share them, due to the social risks of being “wrong” and falling into the legendary “hole of wrongness” that lies beneath the city.

Whatever it is, they always bring the conversation back to facts—reciting facts, verifying facts with Google, agreeing with each others’ facts. It is, for me, hell.

My type: Let’s book club our subjectivity!

My favorite social thing is talking about subjective experiences—feelings, interpretations, theories, open-ended or unanswerable questions. If I’m getting coffee with someone and I say something they could reasonably respond to with “That’s correct,” I’m like… wait, why did I say that.

Here is half of my ideal conversation:

How did you feel after you watched that movie? How did you interpret this ambiguous scene? I interpreted it like so, because it reminded me of x, y, and z things in the movie and outside of the movie. Wow but I see why you read it another way! Because of these other factors! Maybe we’re both onto something, and it’s really showing how [third possibility opens up because we are talking to each other].

Then we both enter the cave of wonder and deepened understanding! Attempting to go to this special cave is my favorite hobby.

My attempts to go to the cave are DEFINITELY hell for some people. Let’s be clear. It’s not even just The Fact Brigade that hates it. Cool people I really like can get annoyed with my cave expeditions and start frowning or (worse) yawning while making direct eye contact (the most powerful nonverbal “no thank you”).

I don’t know their exact reasons, but I’m guessing it can hit as overthinking, “intense” (??), or just… too much yapping. When there’s no right answer, there’s no clear end point to the conversation. Concerning when you have work the next morning!

My preferred conversational style can also be hell for people who like it, but don’t want to do it with me. Maybe we don’t care about overlapping topics, or they don’t think I have the sophistication to take them to the cave. Awkward! There are many ways for life to go wrong.

But it’s fun to try to go to the cave. And for me, it’s boring to recite the phone book. And that’s my opinion on that!

My question for you, cherished reader

Do you like to say facts to people socially?? Email me and tell me why. Forward this to your fact friend and make them (MAKE them!) email me.

How does it feel in your body when you say your facts? What sort of response to a fact makes you feel good? What does your ideal fun conversation look like? I would love to do a mailbag of responses to this newsletter. Or just broaden my worldview.

Linxxx

• I fear I am coming off anti-fact, but my neighbor actually told me a great fact this week, and here it is: Did you know Pizza Hut used to be the largest kale purchaser in the U.S.?

• Behold a kale bedecked salad bar at Pizza Hut. Wow!

• Every time I look at my newsletter archive, I am struck by how much Lindy West has influenced me. Is this newsletter my failed attempt at this 2009 Lindy article? Yes.

• These freaky little candies are so good.

• I was CRYING laughing at this podcast episode. A rigorous roast of a silly man and self-serving cognitive distortions! Hell yes.

• Trump-era survival strategies, from me to you (as always)