Some thoughts on “being present”

+ a mini-mailbag!

This weekend, I had a special experience. I had just gotten a massage and I was in the reception area paying, and I looked at a flyer on the counter and saw it was advertising an Easter egg hunt going on in the neighborhood at that very moment.

I said to the receptionist, “Wow, there’s an Easter egg hunt going on right now!” and she said, “Yeah, there are actually a bunch of plastic eggs hidden in this room.” So I looked around, “found” a plastic egg (it was lying on the floor pretty nakedly), and opened it to find a 15% off coupon for a local restaurant I didn’t want to go to!

It was a very “love, actually, is all around” type of moment. (But instead of love, it’s eggs.) I’ve been having moments like this more often lately and it’s fun! I think it’s related to “being present.”

I have not always been, or aspired to be, present. In grad school, I did a lot of yoga, and the teachers were always telling me to be present and “focus on my breath.” It was so boring, I stopped going to yoga.

I have historically thought of being present as a corny, faintly lobotomized state — like the “equanimity” the Calm app was pushing last time I checked, where you “protect your peace” (TikTok phrase alert!) so hard you’re actually totally checked out of your life. It’s marketed as an absence of distraction, agitation, screens, etc. But what are we making space for when we clear out those (sometimes nice!) things?

I had no answer for a long time, so I was just vocally, off-the-charts future oriented, knee-deep in my phone.

But lately, I think I’ve figured some things I like that I need to be present to do. They are:

• Noticing things around me — like the Easter flier at the massage place! I want to get ⅓ as good at this as my BFF from college, an astonishingly observant person. Once ~15 years ago, it was winter and we were leaving a movie and walking by a planter, and she said “Look at the ice pooping out of that planter!” (this was how we talked to each other at that time — I think it was kind of a You, Me and Everyone We Know reference so quite HIGHBROW!). There was a drainage hole at the bottom of the planter with water streaming out, and it had frozen mid-flow in a very beautiful, Narnia-ish manner. This is the type of thing I want to see! With or without friend assistance!

• Spontaneous chatting — This is usually just unrepeatable small talk, where I say something slightly personal or situationally specific, instead of the standard “How are you?” or “Have a good one!” So like recently my favorite Orangetheory instructor was covered in cupping circles and I said, “Does cupping hurt?” and they said, “Not as much as getting a new IUD, which I also just did!” and then we had a quick, very interesting chat. The underlying theme was Pain (why do we not get anesthesia for IUD insertion? They get it in Australia!), but it was still fun and interesting and beyond surface level. A conversation we could only have had that day.

• Asking follow-up questions — I love to ask and be asked! I think of follow-up questions as acts of love and part of active listening, which is TOO often understood as saying “uh-huh” over and over. I more understand it as thinking along with whoever’s talking and helping them tell and elaborate on their story so you fully understand it, and it requires being focused and present with them.

• Joking around — There is a way of joking around where no one is necessarily Telling A Joke That Could Go In A Standup Special, but everyone is reacting to each other in a fun and playful way. I don’t know why I’m explaining this like I discovered it. This is the foundation of podcasting and friendship. It’s probably more about being friends and being present than being funny, honestly, it gets a lot funnier than most people can get alone! Here is a perfect example that cracks me up every time (and I’ve watched it like 60 times). Of course Chelsea Peretti is also funnier than god on her own.

• Watching my cat—This is the meaning of life. Especially when he really gets a bee in his bonnet and needs to climb on the air ducts or otherwise run an urgent errand. Gotta be present to watch him knock out his to-do list so I can tell him “Good job!” and mean it.

• Acting how I feel emotionally/physically—If I feel an urge to cry, eat, sleep, laugh, whatever, I want to act like it (outside of work—no crying at work!). I think acting on body impulses in real-ish time helps me (and everyone) feel relaxed and come across as legible and trustworthy. No one has more constipated, THREATENING energy than someone who is hungry and doesn’t know it. But to avoid that fate, you have to be present enough to notice how you feel.

So lately I’m trying to do these things, and so far it’s fun and better than yoga. (Although I am losing mobility and approaching this physique in small but notable ways every day… might have to return to yoga soon.) Maybe everyone has their own special matrix of things they want to be present to do, and yoga/meditation folks are only pushing one facet of presence that works for a certain kind of chill person.

Also to be clear, I’m not trying to be present all the time. Sometimes I do need to lock into my laptop and do my job and ignore my body and surroundings until I have 30% starved to death. I’m just trying to be present more, or regularly, and I’m motivated in a new, clearer way!

Question for readers

Do you care about “being present”? How do you know when it’s happening? Reply and tell me, I would love to know! I will ask you a follow-up question if I am being present at time of receipt.

+ if I can republish your thoughts in a mailbag, please put “Mailbag approved” in your email!

Mini-mailbag: Fact people

Ok the mailbag about this “Fact people” newsletter is small because figuring out which messages I have permission to share fills me with inexplicable dread. THAT SAID, here’s an excerpt of a very thoughtful message from someone who specifically said I could republish, praise be!

I also do not do well in a Fact conversation. I think similar to you, I want to talk about relational topics and feelings, or experiential things etc. I think this is something that blossomed in me more after I moved into the manager world at work - I learned how to "coach" which it turns out is basically professional training for how to ask questions in conversation, which turns out at least for me as being a huge unlock in improving conversation! I seriously think that more people should be required to take a class like this in school - how to ask questions and how to have a good conversation. I really think it's a teachable skill that can badly hamper a person if they don't acquire it.

Lately I have been trying to swim more in a Fact society, especially when it comes to politics. For me, I've noticed that political discussions that I'm part of usually involve people making long form points. I am not as good at this and have trouble making a longer coherent thread without switching it back around and asking a question or inviting participation - but in this type of chat people will go on so I lose my "conversational turn" and possibly the point that I was trying to make. So lately with my political chat friends I have been practicing being more of a Fact guy. One thing I've noticed is that it makes me feel a feeling of mastery over material if I am doing it, and a feeling of satisfaction if I'm able to provide a longer-form coherent "point" that is stuck in my head in a way that I think my conversational partner understands and vibes with.

— Jordan

Thanks Jordan and everyone else who responded who I was too weak to ask about perms! I see and appreciate you!

Linxxx

• NO ONE does it like Chelsea.

• A way to be present in the bathroom :)

• Intensely into the new Bon Iver album. Music to sleep and get married to!

• This Sasha Chapin newsletter suggests that being present = charisma? TBD, I am not getting this feedback personally lol. Yet!

• My top 20 Taylor Swift songs, RANKED (subject to change) (made this randomly on a plane) (send me yours!)

• Chicagoans, volunteer fair this weekend!

• Trump-era survival strategies, from me to you <3